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Fear and Love...

It has been a while since I last posted to my blog(s)…the reason for that is that I am way too busy. Not only am I writing my books, I am an internet radio talk show host (www.blogtalkradio.com/sassyentertainment), as well as an internet web-show host (www.iseecolorlive.tv). Yet, more importantly, I have been doing a lot of self reflection. Reflecting on my issues with fear and love. What I realized is that I have been “in like” plenty of times in my life, but the last time I was in love, was over 15 years ago.

Amazing, that it has been so long, but I had to stop and wonder why? As SassyScribe, I am always stating that women need to sit back and take stock of situations. They should learn something valuable from every relationship that they have been involved in. That is what I have done…and it was a sad revelation for me.

See, the man that I was in love with, was a good person, but not the right man. The man I fell in love with was funny as hell, a loving son, and very smart…smarter than most folks would give him credit for. But our relationship was completely dysfunctional and back then I would never have admitted that, but looking back, I can do that now. We were not in the right season for each other. He allowed outside influences to take over and I in turn went along for the ride…and I realized that it was fear that kept me in that passenger seat for a long time. Fear disguised as love.

Fear…is one of the main reasons why single individuals (men and women) are holding on to their selfish ways and trusting another with their heart. They are afraid to love and let go, because they have a fear of it “not working”. That is a true and honest emotion…I think more honest than most would want to admit. Honesty is not pretty or cute at times, but it is revealing. We have all had intense relationships at one point in time, but what was the reason for their intensity? Was it the physical attraction? Was it the mental stimulation? Was it a spiritual connection or emotional dependency? Have we asked ourselves that question? Up until 2000, I was lying to myself about everything and then it clicked for me…I wasn’t honest with myself, so I could not be honest with anyone else. Once I opened up and took stock and was really honest with me about me, it uncovered a whole new me. It wasn’t easy, but it had to be done.

I analyzed my past relationships, and realized that barring the first relationship mentioned above, I was ‘in like’ with a lot of people. I liked the tall dark handsome brother from the west coast. I liked secret agent man and ‘trooper john’ …I liked the ‘music man’, the simple man, and the college study group ‘friend’. However, what I didn’t feel for any of them was love…I felt like…I felt lust…I felt desire…but not love.

Is that sad or wrong? I don’t think so, I think it’s honest. They liked me and I liked them and together we passed our time not recognizing that time is too precious to waste on like…desire…or lust.

Fear is what I see in a lot of people. I hear it in their voices when they call into my show…I read it in their words when they send me emails. I see it in their comments on a plethora of sites throughout the web. Again, the majority may never admit that fear is a guiding factor, but until they do, they are going to keep doing what they are doing…and not liking the outcome.
Fear controls the mind, body, and spirit. It will keep you locked in unhealthy situations be it your work environment, familial dysfunction, or miserable relationships.

In the past, fear was a guiding factor in everything I did. It kept me from going to college right out of high school. It hindered me emotionally by keeping me firmly planted in unhealthy relationships…dating the wrong men, sleeping with the wrong men, making wrong decisions and blaming it on everyone but myself. I allowed fear to live rent free in my head. Fear told me I wasn’t smart enough to further my education, strong enough to maintain a healthy relationship, pretty enough, small enough, or light enough for the hot guy, good enough for the top job, worthy enough of someone’s love…bottom line, fear told me I was never ‘enough’ of anything deemed ‘good’ by societal standards.

However, that was the past and fear has no place in my life now. If people read my books and they don’t like them, so be it…every thing is not for everybody. If I don’t get the promotion, my life won’t end, I just have to try another avenue. If I am dating a guy and that doesn’t work, I reflect, regroup, and renew.

God has blessed me with an amazing talent, a dynamic spirit, supportive and loving family and a fantastic network of friends…so what do I have to fear…absolutely nothing.

Saundra ‘SassyScribe’ Harris

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