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Scaring Men Off..

As a woman I do not believe that I have all of the answers…hell, I just feel that I follow my instinct about men and it has enabled or equipped me with a sense of discernment that I honestly did not have four years ago. In my opinion [and my blogs are just that] dating is not very hard and/or as complicated as folks would like people to believe.

On Saturday, March 29th, I facilitated a discussion entitle Technology and Dating- has it helped or hindered the dating process? [blog written Dec ‘07] And it amazed me that out of the fifteen or so individuals in the room, only two of them were dating, and that was myself and one other woman. We discussed the pro’s and con’s of online dating, the high number of individuals that are meeting and marrying online [30k/annually], the ratio of men to women online, the percentage of married men online [40%] and that 72% of women are more likely to find a lover from an online connection. One of the underlying issues that remained was that of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of loneliness, a fear of growing old alone, or fear of not sharing joys and sorrows, and just the fear of not having anyone special in their lives.

The problem comes into play when they step into a new friendship [friendship has to be established before you can form a relationship] with preconceived notions and/or societal stigmas on what they “should or should not”, do or say, rather than focusing on how they wish to be treated. Women are the gatekeepers and they hold the power [maybe for some power is too strong of a word, too bad] and/or control of a relationship, but they hold the power of training a man on how they should be treated. Training not in the traditional sense like you would an animal not to use your carpet as a restroom, but training in how YOU wish and/or demand to be treated, and in turn you will respect him for the way in which he trains you to treat him. The training begins the minute a woman meets a man. Those old fashioned values that some women say they don’t need or want, but deep down the truth is they’ve never had it, so they do not know how to respond to a man opening their door, helping them with their coat, pulling out their chair, and other small things that shows he is a gentleman from the old school.

But as I sit and listen to some of the issues that women have with men I’ve come to realize that maybe its not that all men are bad or not the right “fit” for them, maybe its because they are afraid…afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that will no longer make a man interested in them. Sounds far fetched, but not really. If you think about the women that you know and recall some of the stories that they have relayed to you, I’m sure you will say “hmmm, now why did she allow this, that, or the other”…take a minute or two and think about that.

Now that you have thought about it…and you have asked yourself that question, can you recall what their response was if you actually voiced your thoughts aloud to them. Where does this notion and/or belief come from that if a woman demands respect or does not allow a man to use and abuse her, to take of her body and discard her like an old wash rash, that by showing this, she will reveal herself as unattractive, as argumentative, as too controlling, or too masculine?

Is it this mindset that women have, the reason why so many are willingly and knowingly accepting crumbs from men? Is this why so many are willingly and knowingly dealing with men that they know without the shadow of a doubt is married or involved?

Is there a pervasive attitude among women that if they act a certain way or if they say a certain thing, that it will “scare men off”…and is it this fear of scaring men the reason why so many women end up in miserable situations?

Your thoughts…



Monica Carter Tagore said…
Fear certainly can be a motivating factor in people's actions. Fear of rejection is quite a strong emotion, and it can prompt people -- in this case, women -- to behave in ways that compromise them.

When we are confident in ourselves and trust us -- ourselves -- to protect us, then we won't be so fearful of what others will do to us. That is because if I trust me to take care of me, then I know I won't let harm come to me. Then I won't be so worried about what someone else will do to me.

When we help to uplift and empower women, then we can help to build confidence in our sisters. And that will make for higher self esteem and better relationships all around.

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