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Relationships - Self Awareness & Knowing Your Self

Monday, March 3, 2008, I was a guest panelist along with Martina Evans, on THE FRONT PAGE, with host Craig Thompson, on WEAA 88.9 Morgan State Radio. The topic under discussion was dating and relationships...and I have to thank Martina Evans, the author of Worst First Dates and the Lessons Learned, for thinking of and inviting me to appear along with her.

However, I have been thinking about what some of the callers...one them stated that she was 46yo and "that nowadays all a man wishes to do is take you back to his home and screw." We touched on this that night and unfortunately, we were unable to delve deeper into the topic.

As I continue with research and viewing the breakdown in communication in the dating process I can see how she would get that mindset. It is my belief and opinion that some women are just making it too damn easy for some men. Don't get me wrong there are women that are more than willing to give it up the first time around, but for most men to automatically assume that intimacy will happen immediately should be an indicator to a woman wanting more than sex, that this man may not be the one for you.

I hate to continue to harp on women, but ladies whether people want to admit it or not we are the ones that are in control. We choose the man, and at times we choose when intimacy will or will not occur in a relationship. We as women must stop accepting subpar behaviors. We must stop accepting and "forgiving", "overlooking" and disrespecting one another....meaning that when a man tells you he is in involved, don't get involved with him. Why continue to place yourself in the "side dish" role, when you know that you are a main course. There is an old adage that states "if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away," and that statement holds true...if he wants you he will make it known...you will see it not only in his words, but also in his actions.

Another caller questioned my statement, "We must stop falling into the belief that all men are dogs and no good...yeah alot of them are, but alot of them aren't." I stated that there are a lot of good men available and that I know alot of them, and believe that they are good quality men. I also stated, that I was not basing that on their income level or education, because those to things does not a good man make. Rather I stated that these men were hard working, responsible, honest, caring, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, charming, handsome, good fathers with terrific senses of humor that any woman would be proud to call their man. She wanted to know where was I finding all of these good men and why I wasn't with one of them. I answered honestly, that although these men were great they just weren't right for me, or I them...secondly, I advised her that she can't sit in her house expecting a good man to knock on her door and say "here I am"...you have to get out and about, attend cultural events, concerts, sporting events - go where men are! Be approachable and open to meeting someone, and don't go into a date or new friendship with the mindset that he is the one...let the day flow and allow nature to take its course...in other words- no pressure, be easy, and relax.

This does not absolve men at all! The first caller made a point and this is what I have found in my research:

  • A man who was socially popular & sexually active and successful, aka "a player" when he was young, is not totally focused on sex in his more refined years (30's, 40's, 50's)
  • A man who is totally focused on sex in his more refined years, did NOT get any play and was not socially popular or sexually active and successful when he was young.

Don't think that older men aren't interested in sex, its just not their main focus when it comes to women and are more inclined to "get to know you" because they are able to focus otherwise. Whereas the ones that are focusing on it...had no play, no action back in the day...and ladies if you don't believe start thinking about some of the men you know and I bet you will notice this pattern. However, women love sex just as much as men, sometimes I think we love it more...because we have learned to understand our physical wants, needs, and desires more...and have learned how to use our entire bodies as an erogenous zone...rather than one or two strategic areas. Men have to stop believing that all women are the same...that a line that worked on one woman will work on another. Although that line may work on 3 out 5, yet those other two, are women that know themselves and what it is they want.

And that is the key...in order for you to allow and/or accept someone in your life you must first know yourself. Know your your wants, your likes, your dislikes, whats acceptable and unacceptable to you. You must understand yourself and be happy with the alone time that you have been given. Date yourself...take yourself to dinner, the spa, the movies, and even on vacation alone. Being okay with being with just YOU...is a key indicator that you have surpassed that "woe is me, I'm single" stage, to "Hell, yeah, I'm a GROWN WOMAN and being single is alright".


SassyScribe

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