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Clarity In The Quest For Love

I was dressing for work and this overwhelming feeling of devastation came over me…and the tears welled in my eyes and spilled over. I must’ve cried for an hour…until my face got puffy and my head ached…I cried all the way to work and off and on at my desk…as if that wasn’t bad enough, when I got home, I popped in THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY and cried again…if you haven’t seen this movie it is the ultimate in love and sacrifice…

I believe that everyone should have a good cry it gets all of the stresses and toxins out of your system…crying is a catharsis that you have to actually have to understand what I am saying…but my cry stemmed from me loosing someone that I love, I cried for the time I lost…I cried for the love I gave…I cried for not being appreciate for the wonderful woman that I am…I cried because he doesn’t love me back…I cried because I know that moving on will be tough, but not impossible…I cried because I had made a commitment to meet some friends and I did not want to go, but I knew I couldn’t cry anymore…

SO, I met some friends at a club in DC and I have to be honest, I really wasn’t feeling going out, but in the end I am glad that I did even if I didn’t feel it like I used to. Partying used to give me this excitement of going out and people watching…damn--I used to go out every Friday and Saturday partying without a care in the world…however, last night I watched as the club filled up with women aged 25 – 50 and there were men in the club…they [men] just stand around looking at you, but not saying anything…afraid of the rejection that they have convinced themselves will come…THE WOMEN though…they all had this look about them. Like they were on the hunt or on the prowl and they had expectations, their eyes held visions of hoping, wishing, wanting, and almost willing God to bring them a man…

I scoped the room and was like ----is this my fate… tears welled up in my eyes…I mean when I saw the older women trying to compete with the younger women and it just looked ridiculous…it was sad. Is this what it has come to…blatant competition…why? For what? I shook my head and sipped my wine…and watched and remembered the conversation I had thirty minutes prior to stepping into the club…

On the drive to Zanzibar, I had a conversation with a 27yo woman, and her thought process is that she knows that she will never get married, so she plans on having kids by 2009 alone, because she knows that she will never get married…that pissed me off…because why is it that at 27 she has this attitude…for me I am 40, and were she a 40yo woman I would probably agree that her chances aren’t as great as that of someone younger, not that it won’t ever happen, because it can…just not on a higher percentage. Its not fair that the majority of my sisters will not get married and its not fair that they are beginning to say this at a younger and younger age. Its sad…at 27 she said that she is just tired of men and that is a sad sad statement… she is very nice girl, attractive, in Grad school, a homeowner, and just enjoys life and can’t seem to connect with anyone…I mean these are the attributes men say they want, and yet never quite take into account…

Its not just women, I have a guy friend and he flat out said “I don’t have time for the drama and the bullshyt” so he goes out has some cognac then goes home…and although he said he’d love to have a lady in his life, there isn’t a lot of negotiation on his part when it comes to putting up with drama. Yet you hear men and women complaining about the lack of good, quality individuals, and they don’t even give people a chance OR they give the wrong people too many chances…I had another friend tell me that he met a woman that was everything that he ever wanted in a wife, but because she was 50 and he was 40 he stopped seeing her…he said she was too old, not that he wants to have kids, its just that he said she was too old… WTF is what I said to him…WTF do women have to do? This woman had everything and because she was 50 you bounced…again I just shook my head…

I’m sorry if this sounds like I am complaining…I’m not…I’m just saying that the state of relations between men and women is totally screwed up…its sad really when the talk amongst women is that they have to convince themselves with mantras like “I’m single and that’s alright” or “I will survive” or the one I hate the most “I don’t need a man”…that its okay to accept their “fate” of never being married or never finding that feeling that only happens once in a lifetime…

I am sad as I write this as I try to find clarity of the situations that myself and others find themselves in the quest for love…

SassyScribe

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