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Finding And Keeping A Life Partner

This article was forwarded to me and quite frankly, I couldn't have said it better myself. I have added a note or two, but other than that, the author has some valid & salient points...kudos to him! Once you've read it, I'd love to hear your thoughts...SassyScribe

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profoundtruth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; you need a lot more!!!Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need acommon life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. Thebasis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing"; so ask about your Significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?

Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:* How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to,such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.? * How do they treat their parents and siblings? * Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't havegratitude for the people who have given them everything; * Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someonewho treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" if you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective....

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from adistance.... (some of yall may need to read that again)

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at leastminimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-goinganywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. (This statement feeds into my thoughts on "Do Not Make Someone a Priority In Your Life, When All You Are Is Just An Option For Them")

Pay attention....Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love andtruth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

* Do you bring out the best in each other?
* Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do youcompete, compare and control? * What do you bring to the relationship?
* Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, pastpain?
* You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. * You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
* If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life";you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But.........Only God keeps You Going!

"In search for me, I discovered truth. In search for truth, Idiscovered love and in search for love, I discovered God. In God, I have found everything." "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals...."
Authors Unknown


Anonymous said…
Sassy, This was beautiful and I almost cried because I am going through a point in my life where I don't think that my current 13 year relationship is one that I want to continue to be in. It's so hard to let go of someone you have bene loving for so long but the more time I am with him, the more I want to not be with him...if that makes sense. He is a good person BUT I feel I have outgrown him. We have been through alot in the past, mostly issues caused by his bad decisions, and recently everything he does seems to annoy me more and more. Yesterday, I actually took my journal and wrote down all the reasons why I should stay and all the reasons why I should go. Needless to say I had not reasons why I should stay yet it's so hard to let go and move on. Any advice would be great.
SassyScribe said…
I too spent 15 years of my life with a man that I out grew and had no idea that I had done so. You did the right thing by writing the pros and cons of being with him...the question you need to ask yourself are:

1. Is he enhancing or prohibiting your quality of life.?

2. Are you afraid of being alone?

3. Why are you with him? (ties into question one)

You must ask yourself these questions because we should achieve to self actualize, and it sounds right now that you aren't actualizing with him, therefore you must do it without him.

This blog feeds into the thought that sometimes love is not enough. What do the two of you have in common...if you can build on those commanilities then try and work it out, if you are both on different pages and not evenly yoked you need to move on. Sometimes letting go is the hard part because the two of you are so entrenched in each others lives, but it sounds to me as if love is not enough...and sometimes you have to let love go.

I hope this helps, but if not email me at

Take care,

Anonymous said…
Well, You see, he has done some hurtful things in the past that I can't seem to let go of. You know how it was when we were younger & your boyfriend cheated then after a week or two or sometimes just a few days we would cry and then be over it. Well, he cheated on me going on 2 years now and I still haven't forgiven him nor do I think I will ever trust him again. This I know has caused a problem for me and now for him b/c I'm now an insecure person who needs to know "where he's going, what time will you be back and that type of shit". I have turned into someone I am not and I am sort of resentful b/c then he gets mad because I act like I don't trust him....but I don't and don't ever think I will again. He cheated on me at a time when I worshipped him and thought he would never do that to me. I mean I know men flirt and I don't expect my man to not be attracted to other women but at the end of the day you make a decision to go home and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was different and when he cheated, I was totally crushed. Then on top of that I pretty much pay all the bills in the house while he gives me $100 or $200 here and there which used to be ok and now is never enough but he says he is trying. However, "trying" is not enough anymore, that was when I had that Whitney/Bobby love for him. And yes part of this is my fault. I loved him so much that I didn't mind doing all things & taking care of him. But now, I feel like he's betrayed me and he no longer deserves the good things I do. I am just MAD as HELL that this man had made me fallout of love with him with all the dumb shit he has done when I know we could have had something GREAT. Right now, I just want to be left alone so I can fingure things out and start to love myself gain. There is so much to say.
SassyScribe said…
You said it at the need to let him go and fall in love with YOU. Right now your mind is so confused that you're thinking is on the right path...but that fear of being alone is holding you back.

IMO he is disrespectful...and you are allowing him to be that way. You will continue to doubt his every word, thought, and deed. You will always wonder about this that or the other...and that is not healthy nor fair for you. If couples counseling isn't right for you, then you are going to have to dig deep inside and find a strenght and courage you didn't know you had, and let him go. He is not meant to be in your life if he is causing you this much distress.

Let me know how things go and you can always email me at


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