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Myth of Honesty in Relationships

How honest are you in your relationship(s)? I asked this question recently at one of my discussions. Most people are not as honest as they should be so as not to hurt the other persons feelings. It is much easier to be honest about factual issues rather than hypothetical and whatif scenarios. Facts are right their in your face, and are virtually indisputable, depending upon the topic and ones beliefs, while whatif scenarios and hypothetical situations have yet to happen, therefore you are basing your opinion on what you would do/say if this, that or the other happened. Since it hasn't happened yet, you are trying to assume that you know how you would react in a certain situation. But the problem is that as honest as we all try to be, the closer you are to a person the harder it is to be honest, conversely, the closer you are to a person the more you will experience the hurt and pain of their dishonesty. Even if it wasn't their intent to lie to you and they lied by omission, it will hurt.

You ever ask someone a question and they don't tell you the truth? How do you react to that? Do you analyze it to see if they were trying to spare your feelings by telling you a pretty lie? I find this to be true in the dating world. I cannot tell you how many men and women tell me that people aren't honest. Why lie in the first place? Why not be honest from the beginning and give people the choice, rather than taking it away from them with a lie???? It baffles me...simple straightforward questions are often answered with lies...which is a testament to your character.

Honesty is always best the policy, because with lies, you have to constantly remember your lies, and the story keeps changing and eventually you will get caught and will look stupid in the process. Not to mention childish and carrying the label of a liar! If you have an idea of how a person may answer a question and you are not the type that can handle honesty, then it is best that you do not ask questions that you do not want an honest answer to. For example, I am a plus size woman, I know that my azz is fat, so I would never ask a man if "I look fat in this dress/pants"...that is a question that Sassy doesn't ask. Because of two things, one, I know that I am a good size woman, and two, if he answers it wrong then I am wrong for not liking his response. So the brother couldn't win if he wanted to..LOL

Well a brother could win, if he states the answer in a certain way, because its not what you say, rather how you say it. When I posed the question to one of the gentlemen in attendance he stated that he is brutally honest and his response to that was "I've seen you naked! What do you mean do you look fat, hmmmph, I have seen you naked!" And with that response he got the ladies fired up in the audience. They all turned on him like a bunch of pit bulls. Again, it wasn't what he said, rather how he stated it. He could've used a little tact and diplomacy in his statement. Again, be honest, but remember its the delivery and not necessarily the words. He could've turned the entire answer around by saying "I don't think it flatters you." or "I don't like you in that, I like to see you in this." Women love it when they where something that pleases their man, so instead of creating WW3 in your house, diffuse the situation, by being honest yet tactful.

Through the course of the evening the topics went from mild, to luke warm, to smoking hot! As I ran down my list of the The Top Ten Things To Turn You On (posted, 2-2-07, I was barely through the first one, working my way down the list, when I got to #3 Fantasy Fulfillment- I stated that most couples should be willing to indulge their S.O. fantasies so long as it doesn't compromise their values and/or principles. This same said gentlemen stated that if his woman had a fantasy to be with two men, he would give her the okay to go out and fulfill her fantasy, so long as he got to choose whom the man/men were, and if he was in the room beside them. He wanted to see whom his woman would eventually sleep with. The women went off, there were comments from one lady that had the entire room on fire. In short she said that there is no way that a man will ever see his woman in the same light after that. The conversation went like this:

Female - "Would you kiss your woman when she walked in the room?"
Male - "Hell no! I don't know where her mouth could've been!"
Female- "My point exactly! When she comes home skipping from being happily fullfilled with her fantasy, you won't have a problem with that?"
Male- "Not at all, because I know me."
Female - "Shit, you don't know shit because it hasn't happened yet. What you know is that you gave your girl persmission to phuck another man, and he blew her back out and now your ass is thinking...hmmm, maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all."

Before it went any futher, I regained order and moved on, to the other gentleman in the room who agreed with the women and said that he'd never give his woman the okay to sleep with another man. The tempers were flaring because no one could believe what the man was saying, but he was being honest, the problem was, he was too honest to some, to the point of being dishonest.

Here is the thing, we all know that people swing and participate in various fantasy sex clubs, and believe in being polyamorous, which in my humble opinion is a formulized way of cheating. Its not for everyone and it takes a strong and extremely secure person to even think about allowing this form of expression into your intimate life. With that said, the majority of men do not forgive as easily as women do when it comes to cheating. Let's face it, a woman will give a man a million chances, we continually forgive and attempt to forget that he has messed up, until you just can't take anymore. Whereas a man will leave you at the first indiscretion. Its like the movie Indecent Proposal, the relationship was never the same for Woody Harrelson, because in his mind, he could see his wife Demi with Robert Redford. It was that image that played in his mind like a recorder over and over that ruined the relationship. I hear men say that they would be willing to let their woman sleep with another man, but in my eyes I don't think that men who say that actually view that woman as THEIRS. There is a certain amount of possessiveness that comes into play...and although the gentleman in the audience was stating that I asked for honesty and he was being honest, I tend to think that were the situation to actually arise, he'd think differently. That is the difference between fact and whatif scenarios.

One of the ladies in the room stated that she knew of a couple, and the wife allowed another women into their bedroom and the husband ended up leaving the wife for the other woman, because "her sex was better". She said that one of the worst things you can do is allow this form of fantasy fullfillment. I felt that there had to have been other issues prior to this, but again, this form of intimacy is for the secure person. I know that its not something I could handle and I pride myself on being pretty secure. But if the situation were to arise I wouldn't tell him to do anything, I would just assume that if I didn't do it, someone else will...doesn't sound kosher to some, but hey, ignorance is bliss at times.

So this topic on honesty brings to mind another question that I addressed years ago. Were everyone to be as open and honest as the gentleman in the audience, and you gave your S.O. persmission to sleep with someone else, would you rather it be an emotional connection or a physical connection? I will give my response on the next blog...



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