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So Damn Tired

Over the past few months I have been thinking and reflecting alot on relationships...why, why, why, why, why? Why do people do the things that they do? Why do people say the things they say? Why am I still single...and I thought about alot of situations that involved me personally. I thought about situations that I see women around me in, and I hear of situations all of the time...and to be honest, I am still searching for the answer. When folks read this they are going to hear alot of bitterness in this blog and that is because I at the moment I am writing this I am bitter. I am angry, upset, confused, but most of all, I am tired. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of the distrust, most importantly I am tired of the game.

Everyday I listen to the radio there is some woman whining about how her man is cheating! I listen and I want to say you have one of two choices, shut the fuck up and deal with it, or leave. Don't tell me shit about the kids, the finances, or anything like that...if it is that upsetting to you, why are you remaining with a person that isn't honest. The same goes for men who have women that are unfaithful, what idiot button got pushed in your brain that made you stay with them.

I was cheated on and I like a dummy stayed...I kinda forgave him but I never ever this day I can recall the date, the time, the circumstances surrounding how I found out...but my idiot button got pushed and I stayed put...but don't ever think that I didn't understand and recognize that he just opened up the door for me to do what I wanted to do. Yeah, sounds petty I know but so the fuck what...I was younger and petty then. I am older now, I won't tolerate being tolerated. I won't tolerate him having his cake and it eating it too...I refuse to sit back and be like half the women I know personally whose man is cheating and hey its all right with them. They don't care so long as he brings home the check to them. BULL SHIT! She is lying to herself and everyone else when she tells you that. She does care that her man is out there doing his thing without her...but you know what she chose like I did in the past to live in misery, because half of a man is better than no man at all! That is a sad but true statement, and if most of yall look around at the women you know you will see that is exactly how they are living. Why do we as women continue to put up with behavior like that...oh yeah, I forgot, because they are of the mindset that I'd rather stay and show my children how a loveless relationship should work. I'd rather stay because two incomes are better than one. I'd rather stay because hey Sass, at least I, unlike you, got a man. Thats why they stay, being married and miserable in their eyes beats being single and looking any day of the week, but I'd rather be single than to be locked into a situation that I am too afraid to get out of. Take it from me. I spent 15 years with a man that I was afraid to leave because I feared being single and alone...15 years of my life gone that I can never get back and I thank God to this day that I never had children with this man because he'd forever be in my life.

I am so damn tired of the lies that people are telling one another. Why is it that honesty is so hard to come by? Why is it so hard to just tell people how you honestly feel about them? I don't know what it is...I used to be one to tread lightly on someone and not want to hurt their feelings but that never worked. They always felt that you could be worn down, like water on a rock or something. Like if they kept at you and telling you how it is they feel then that person would have no other recourse but to return your feelings. I know this, because I too used to feel this way...especially when I got back out into the world of dating. Let me tell you something...if he/she doesn't want you, there is nothing on this green earth that can make them want you. Learn like I did and cut your losses with that person totally and may sound cruel but in the end its for the best.

I talk to women all of the time and they say that they are tired of meeting men who aren't truly single. I understand what the women are talking about. Most women that I know are truly single, whereas most men, have a lady friend and rather than let them go, they want to "test the waters" with someone else before being totally free. And this is where the okeydoke comes into tell me that women are trying to act like men. Its not that we are trying to act like men, its that we are just fucking tired of the bullshit that you are telling us so we have learned to bullshit the bullshiter. Childish yes, but then some folks act like children, therefore, you must treat them as such. Personally, I've had men call me and leave me a message and when I have called them back, women have answered the phone. Crazy ass shit like that and I am supposed to "understand your situation" man fuck you and your situation, put me in the middle of your fucking drama and bullshit. The older men get the crazier their asses act! I have dated men ten years younger than me with more couth and tact than older brothers. Conversely, I have had men say that older women act just as crazy if not crazier, doing midnight drive by's past their homes, and calling up leaving crazy messages on their phones.

I have women tell me they meet men and really like them but the feelings aren't returned and vice versa. I tell them to let it go and cut off communication. That little statement right there doesn't seem to penetrate.They ask, "Well Sass, why can't we be friends?" The answer to that question is "There are still residual feelings that someone may have and lingering around and remaining on the outer fringes of their lives lends false hope for something more." When that person meets and begins to date someone else then an old wound will be reopened. Who wants to go through that? Why would you want to go through that? Personally, if the man doesn't want me, I'm sorry to say that I have absolutely no words for him. I don't feel any ill will towards that person and I don't wish anything bad upon them...I just don't have anything to say to you. Its as simple as that. That is how they should react in that situation, but the lesson is harder to learn for some than others.

When I see women/men trying to remain friends with an ex...its all bull shit to me...especially if you have no children and no property or anything in common why is that person still in your life. So what you still have feelings for them, but think about this, they are you ex for a reason. Don't bullshit me and try to tell me that they won't leave you alone, because a person can't bother you if you don't allow it to happen. In order for conversation to happen you have to be willing to allow conversation. I don't talk to my ex---period. I may run into him on occassion but he has no words for me because he is still hurting, I'm not. Thats an issue he has to deal with and get over in his own time...nothing at all to do with me and its not making me feel bad when I see him and he doesn't speak, in fact I laugh at it.

The other day I had a friend tell me that I am full of these sayings and ism's and that I don't seem too willing to opening myself up to men. You know what, he is right...too often in my past I have made others priorities when I was only an option to them. I gave 100% of myself while they only gave 40% and I accepted that...That was my fault and quite honestly, but he is right because did make others priorites and its that level of caring I am not willing to make right now. The sad thing is that there are alot of men and women like myself who aren't really willing to open themselves up too much. I told him that folks are only willing to give about 30% of themselves emotionally, and the other 70% is preserved. He asked me if that was the right thing to do...I answered no, but its a defense and/or self preservation mechanism for some. Let's face it...when you look back over your life, your level of discernment was not good so you get a little leary of your choices...and that leariness makes you unwilling to get back in the game.

Over the past two years I have met really good men, but they just weren't right for me. If the truth were told, they knew I wasn't right for them either...and we talk occassionally, maybe once a month for about 15 or 20 minutes if that. But I wouldn't say were friends, we are just acquaintances...and that is it...

I welcome all comments to this "vent" if you want to call it that...I know I'm not the only person that is so damn to me!



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